“Children are great imitators. So, give them something great to imitate.”~Unknown
Divorce can be one of the most stressful events many people experience in life. When children are involved, it becomes even more complicated. While you might want to scream and curse your former spouse, it’s crucial to take a pause. Failure to censor yourself and filter what you say in front of your children can lead to life-altering impacts for them and make the experience more traumatic.
How you communicate with your kids about your divorce, about your ex, and about your new life is so important. While this conversation will certainly be difficult, there are ways you can make things easier on your children. Do your best to pull your punches when sharing information about your ex with your kids so you don’t cause collateral damage. That’s a nice thing for us to say, but how do you communicate with honesty while avoiding spilling too much information?
Take the Long View:
When a divorce is fresh or in progress, confusion and pain are common for both partners and their children. While you might be happy to never see your ex ever again, that’s not an option if you have children. The romance may be dead, but your mutual parental commitment lasts a lifetime.
Your kids will not only want but need both of their parents involved both in their daily lives and the big moments like graduations, weddings, and holidays. Yes, things are difficult in the moment, but this too shall pass. Keep that mantra close at hand when engaging with your kids and choose your words carefully. They will remember the things you say today, so plant only wholesome seeds.
Consider Your Audience:
No matter how acrimonious or contentious your divorce may be, your children do not need to hear all the sordid details. Rather, your children need to trust that you love them unconditionally and that you support their relationship with their other parent. When discussing your divorce with your children, it is important to consider what they need to know and how to best tell them.
How old are your children and how much information can they handle? If you have multiple children, how are they different, and how might you need to consider those differences in crafting messages that answer their questions and concerns without causing unintentional harm? If you feel like you’re on the spot with your kids’ questions, you shouldn’t lie but do tell them you need to talk to them about it at a different time so you can prepare your thoughts.
Do Unto Others:
No one is perfect, including you. Would you want your former spouse to play your “greatest hits” and share your most embarrassing secrets with your kids? Would you want someone to tell you unflattering truths about your own parents? When you are frustrated and hurt, stop long enough to consider the potential impact of your words.
Your integrity and ability to not say disparaging things, even if they are true, about your ex will speak volumes to your children now, and in the future. Treating them and your ex with kindness in the interest of preserving their relationship will be rewarded in your own relationships with your kids.
This Too Shall Pass:
We know how hard it is to go through a divorce, even under the best circumstances. It’s not something you should keep all to yourself, so we encourage you to seek appropriate support so you can share the whole story with friends, family, or a therapist who can understand and validate your experience.
